The Dangerous Obsession with “You”: Digital Stalking and Abusive Relationships in the 2020s
Exploring how the Netflix series You exposes the dark side of digital connections, obsession, and the blurred line between online presence and personal safety.
Content Warning: This article contains discussions of stalking, digital abuse, childhood trauma, psychological manipulation, and murder. Reader discretion is advised.
Since its 2018 premiere, the Netflix series You has drawn attention for its dark themes, including murder, assault and the dangers of social media. Starring Gossip Girl alum Penn Badgley, the show follows Joe Goldberg — a bookstore manager and serial killer — who develops extreme obsessions with women and stalks their social media presence while killing anyone who gets in his way.
With the April release of its fifth and final season, You once again reflects growing concerns about digital stalking and abusive relationships in the 2020s. The series highlights how social media can fuel obsessive behavior and offers a disturbing look into dynamics such as gaslighting, isolation and control.
Digital Stalking and Abusive Relationships
Throughout the first season of You, Joe Goldberg is shown using social media — particularly Instagram — to monitor the activity of writer Guinevere Beck. He takes his obsession a step further by stealing her old phone and mirroring her new one, giving him constant access to her private messages, photos and location.
According to research from SafeHome, an estimated 7.5 million people experience cyberstalking each year, with 80% tracked through technology. Another 67% are stalked in person — a dual pattern reflected in Joe’s behavior as he tracks women both online and in real life.
Joe’s pattern of killing anyone who interferes with his obsession — such as Beck’s boyfriend, Benji — also reflects another hallmark of abuse: isolation. This tactic is often used to control who a person interacts with, where they go and how much access they have to others.
In a study published by SAGE Journals, several women shared experiences of isolation and digital abuse, including invasive behavior from partners.
“I was only with him for a short period of time, but he started to go through my phone, my social media,” said Alesandra, a study participant.
“He would question every single message I ever sent to a guy — even if it was like five, 10 years ago, prior to even meeting him. He would question absolutely everything.”
Further research from the Human Rights Center found that 58% of women and girls have experienced online harassment, with 50% reporting that the abuse they faced online was more severe than what they experienced in person.
Sarah Scanlon, a sexual violence response coordinator at Wilfrid Laurier University and a faculty member at Vermont Law and Graduate School, said online culture has normalized harmful behavior.
“I believe there has been an increase in particular kinds of stalking due to an online culture — not just online access, but a culture that permits online bullying,” Scanlon said in a report.
“It encourages a type of behavior that folks might not condone in person. Certain behaviors are seen as more normalized or culturally appropriate online.”
Scanlon added that online abuse has become so prevalent that some victims are forced to delete their digital presence for protection.
“For people who have experienced stalking, the ways in which their stalkers, abusers or perpetrators have been able to use online systems to manage, control and keep tabs on them has created massive harm,” they said.
“Unless you completely shut down your online persona, people can access so much personal information and use it to get to you.”
“We’ve had cases even at Laurier where individuals used personal information about someone they barely knew to find out how to access them physically and cause harm,” they added.
The Illusion of Parasocial Relationships
You also explores the concept of parasocial relationships — one-sided emotional connections where one person is unaware of the other’s fixation — in the context of social media. Beyond Guinevere Beck, Joe develops obsessive attachments to Love Quinn, Marienne Bellamy, Kate Galvin and Louise “Bronte” Flannery throughout the series, with his behavior becoming increasingly violent and erratic with each new fixation.
Parasocial relationships can influence stalking and abuse. A 2019 report from the Department of Justice (DOJ) found that 3.4 million Americans — or 1.3% of the population — were victims of stalking. Among them, 80% received unwanted phone calls or text messages, and 31% were followed or had their stalker appear at their home. These statistics mirror Joe’s patterns of monitoring and confronting his victims, as well as harming anyone who threatens his control over them.
While parasocial relationships are most commonly associated with celebrities, researchers note that social media has blurred boundaries and intensified the illusion of closeness.
“We, as human beings, have a brain that is hardwired for survival and reproduction,” said Gayle Stever, a professor at Empire State University, in an interview with National Geographic.
“Your brain doesn't care if you know this person in real life or not.”
Series creators Sera Gamble and Greg Berlanti have said they wanted to spotlight the dangers of parasocial connections through a character like Joe — someone who appears average on the surface.
“That’s something we both were very interested in looking at through the lens of a guy who’s not Mr. Robot,” Gamble told Refinery29.
“[Someone] who’s not a super hacker genius, crazy guy. He is much more someone you might bump into in the course of your day.”
In Season 1, after meeting Beck in public, Joe stalks her Instagram Stories and reverse-image searches a video she posted of her moving into her apartment. Within hours, he locates her building and begins spying on her through her window — watching her undress and have sex — all while she remains unaware. Later in the season, he kidnaps her and locks her in a glass chamber in the basement of his bookstore. He ultimately kills her before fleeing to Los Angeles, where he becomes obsessed with Love Quinn.
Research from The Guardian found that stalking was a factor in 94% of homicides examined in the United Kingdom, with 63% of cases involving surveillance or covert monitoring.
“Practically every case we looked at featured examples of the obsessive, fixated behavior that typifies stalking,” said Dr. Jane Monckton Smith, a criminologist and former police officer.
“Understanding the motivation behind these behaviors, and the risk that they present, is profoundly important.”
What Breeds a Killer?
One of the sharper observations throughout the series is the exploration of Joe’s backstory — particularly his childhood abuse at the hands of Ivan Mooney, his adoptive father — which offers viewers insight into the roots of his behavior and obsession with women.
A 2005 study of more than 50 serial killers found that 36% had been physically abused during childhood, while 26% experienced sexual abuse. Further research published in 2020 found that survivors of childhood abuse were more likely to develop mental health conditions, including psychopathy — a personality disorder often associated with serial killers. Psychopathy is marked by a lack of empathy, antisocial behavior and manipulative tendencies.
However, many experts caution against assuming a direct cause-and-effect relationship between trauma and serial killing.
“Most people want to search for a watershed event in somebody’s life that will explain this behavior. It’s human nature, it’s a natural tendency — ‘He did it because his mother abused him,’ ‘He did it because this traumatic event happened,’” said Dr. Louis Schlesinger, a professor at John Jay College of Criminal Justice, in a report by CNN.
“But you’re not going to find it.”
“Poor parenting and childhood trauma — that never helps. But those, in and of themselves, are not dispositive for creating somebody who’s going out and killing for sexual gratification in a series,” Schlesinger added.
“Thousands of people have had horrible childhoods. They don’t go around killing people in a series.”
In a separate interview with the American Psychological Association (APA), Schlesinger explained that serial killing may stem more from biology than circumstance.
“Why do they do it? The best understanding I think we have at this point is that it’s a biopsychosocial phenomenon — with, in my view, a heavy emphasis on neurobiology,” he said.
“You” has captivated audiences with its chilling depiction of obsession, manipulation and the dark side of digital culture. As the series sparked conversations around stalking, parasocial relationships and psychological trauma, it serves as a reminder of the real-life dangers that can emerge when abuse, technology and unresolved trauma intersect.